I had a tough day a couple of weeks ago. I’ve spoken in a blog before about Hyperacusis, and gave an example of one of the many times it has affected my ability to function rationally or normally. Friday was another hyperacusis day. My sister usually takes my Nan shopping and goes for lunch with her every week. However, last week she had to stay in and wait for the electrician to turn up, so the nan shopping gauntlet was passed onto yours truly. The very second my sister asked me if I could go shopping I was filled with gut wrenching dread. Now, usually I’m moderately okay with supermarkets, provided I go there on a quiet day… Friday at 12.30pm in Morrisons is NOT a quiet day! In fact, it’s probably the busiest, loudest day you could go in there. At least it is where I live. I arranged to meet my nan in the car park outside. As I turned in, my heart started to pound! Cars, everywhere! And where there’s lots of cars there’s lots of people, which means lots of noise. My window was open a little and as I was finding a space for my little car, sounds were already smashing me in my ears.
People chatting, car breaks and tyre sounds on the tarmac. Trolly wheels rattling and then crashing into the trolly houses (don’t know what they’re actually called 😂) it had begun already, I started to get a dull little pain across my forehead and my palms started to sweat. I took a deep breath and got out of my car. I found my Nan on the other side of the car park near the doors. We wandered over to the customer service desk and got Nan the keys to Evil Knievel’s shopping trolly (you know the mobility scooters with the trollies attached). My first interaction with a human, complete. Wasn’t too bad.. in fact, the general shopping experience wasn’t the problem. It was the end. The checkout and then the Cafe experience. The beeping of the scanner. That beeping sound has haunted me ever since I worked in Morrisons. That combined with the flashing box lights above the till and the excessive rustling of bags as people pack. It’s making me feel sick just thinking about it. And people, having multiple conversations. Anyway, I quickly packed up Nans shopping and off we went to put it in the car before returning back to the Cafe with nan in her wheelchair.
I had a moment of quiet and some fresh air and then BOOM! Straight back into the hustle and bustle. The Cafe was packed! Pretty much every table was full and there were people everywhere. It was safe to say, I was panicking at this point. Everything was so loud and bright! The only thing that kept me in the food line was the fact I had a duty of care to my Nan, I don’t think it would have gone down well if I’d have ran off and left her sitting in her wheel chair 😂 We found a table and sat down. I made a bit of a mistake on my seat choice however. I sat facing all of the checkouts. Not to mention we were in the middle of the cafe as it was the only place we could sit. So now, I have people eating and talking all around me, in ultra surround sound. And I’m facing the hustle and bustle of people buying their weekly shop.
Obviously, Nan wants to have a little chat. Great! I love my Nan, and catching up with her. Except I can’t hear her, and I can’t keep my eyes and attention on her either. I felt utterly awful.. I still cannot remember a word of what she said to me. Our whole conversation is a complete blur. We finished our sandwiches and hot chocolates (odd combo, I know) and I wheeled her back to her car. I gave her a hug and a kiss and then walked to my own car.. I got in, and I sat for a few moments, hands on my steering wheel, spinning my ring, head down.. and then I started to cry. Of course, people walking past who could see me began to stare, and wonder what on earth could be wrong. This happens more times than I would like. I’m never very open about it because I feel somewhat weak. I usually pull myself together and get on with the day, as hard as it is, I guess I have to. You can’t just stop.
I cried because I felt crippling overwhelmed. I held it together the whole time in there as much as I could for the sake of my Nan, but when I was on my own and everything had stopped I had a bit of a stumble.
I also got upset because I felt guilty. Guilty that I couldn’t give my Nan my full attention and because I couldn’t do anything about it.
This happens quite regularly, not always so extreme but it’s always there. As an adult I have learned to almost suppress my anxiety most of the time and basically “deal with it” as best I can. I am an adult however, which makes this a little easier. I’ve seen this a lot, and I’ve heard many stories from many parents in these similar situations and I just want to raise a little bit of awareness with this post, because I feel I’m in a pretty good position to do so.
When you see young children “having a tantrum” don’t automatically think that they are naughty. They could be Autistic, they could be experiencing the same things that I do, if not more. My advice to you would be to just walk on past if you have nothing positive to offer, without tutting, or staring. Even better, gently ask if you can help in some way. You’d be surprised how many parents just want a little bit of positive comfort amongst all of the judging eyes they feel staring at them at times like this, when their child is in an inconsolable mess on the floor of a busy shop. You see, when you’re young, you find it difficult to process things in general. No child has the same abilities as an adult when it comes to that sort of thing. Add in all of the elements that come with being on the spectrum. Processing becomes 1000 times harder. You don’t know the struggles that someone is facing on the inside, no matter what age. So please, remember to always be kind.
This Little Mind O' Mine 